| And now a little bit of humor...... no offence intended to anyone bearing a resemblance to the protaganists.
Smart Ass Answer #1:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat....she said, “Sir, I need to see your Ticket , not your stub.”
Smart Ass Answer #22:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I've been waiting for you all day.” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart Ass Answer #3:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
AND NOW........FOR .............THE..........
#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. “ Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said “Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.”
Physicists Identify New Periodic Element: Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. Recent hurricanes and defense issues are proof of the existence of the new chemical element. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After about six months of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and a huge, bearded man was standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night...thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars left, he stopped. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man started to leave and stopped. "More'n likely goanna be some fightin', too."
"Well, I get along with people; I'll be all right. I'll be there.Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too!"
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea."I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."
It was the night before thanksgiving.
A city boy, Rodney, moved to the country
and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer
agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the
farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some
bad news, the donkey died."
Rodney replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it
already."
Rodney said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Rodney, "I'm going to raffle him off." Farmer,
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Rodney, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody
he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Rodney and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?" Rodney, "I raffled
him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made
a profit of $900."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?" Rodney, "Just
the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Rodney grew up and eventually became the CEO of CitiBank
and Wachovia.
The rules of the blues
1.
Most blues begin "I woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues,
unless you stick something nasty in the next line. "I got
a good woman with the meanest dog in town."
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line
right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. She got teeth
like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh about 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice. You stuck
in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars are Chevies, Fords, Cadillacs, and broken-down
trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility
Vehicles. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound
bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored
motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major
part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. They ain't fixin'
to die yet. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old
enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not
Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or
Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St.
Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the
blues. You can't have the blues in any place that don't get
rain.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet b. beige c. mauve
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping
mall, the lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot
or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues: a. the highway b. the
jailhouse c. the empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass Bad
places: a. Nordstrom's b. Gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear
a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man and you slept
in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt b. you blind c. your first name is
a southern state like Georgia. d. you shot a man in Memphis.
e. you can't be satisfied. No, if: a. you have all your teeth
b. you once were blind but now can see. c. the man in Memphis
lived c. you have a 401K or a trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of
bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston
could. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing
the blues. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline,
it's the blues. Other blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b.
whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. nasty black coffee Blues
beverages are NOT: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c. Snapple d.
Slim-Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack,
it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover
is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance
abuse, or dying lonely on a broken-down cot. It is not a blues
death if you die during a liposuction treatment or a tennis
match.
16. Some Blues names for Women a. Sadie b. Big Mama
c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues Names for Men a. Joe b. Willie c. Little
Willie d. Lightning
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie,
and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they
shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of
physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name
(see above) plus name of fruit Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c.
last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or
Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. It doesn't matter how tragic your life is: if you
own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.
Red Shirt
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and
his
crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As
the crew
became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring
me my
red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's
red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle
the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred
among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate
vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear,
but the
captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!".
The battle
was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both
boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night
recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to
the Captain
and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt
before the
battle?".
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain
can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red
shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue
to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling
at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there
were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on
their way.
The
men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual
command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown
pants!"
Ain't it the truth!
I
can't testify to the accuracy of this but it sure is funny:
And
you wonder why...! The US standard railroad gauge (width between
the two rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly
odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way
they built them in England, and the US railroads were built
by English expatriates. Why did the English build them like
that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same
people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the
gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because
the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools
that they used for building wagons which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels
would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England,
because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built
those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe
(and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions.
The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots first formed the initial ruts, which everyone
else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.
Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they
were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United
States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives
from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war
chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So
the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what
horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because
the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough
to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Thus, we have
the answer to the original question. Now the twist to the
story...! There's an interesting extension to the story about
railroad gauges and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle
sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets
attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid
rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at
their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs
might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs
had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch
site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through
a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that
tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track,
and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's
most advanced transportation system was determined over two
thousand years ago by the width of a Horse's Ass. And you
wonder why we are the way we are...!
Fishy tail
A man was walking back to his car from the
lake with a bucket of fish when a Ministry of Environment
and Fisheries official stopped him and asked "Do you have
a licence to catch those fish? (You see...in Canada, if you
get caught with ONE fish and no licence, they can and WILL
take your car, or house!) The guy with the fish says "No..these
are my pet fish". The official says "No way...those aren't
your pets. Let's see the licence". The guy says "Yes they
are! I keep them in a big tank at home,I put them in this
bucket, take them to the lake, and let them out to swim for
15 minutes, then they jump back into the bucket, then I take
them home" "That's crazy! says the official. The guy says
"Do you wanna see? I can show ya". The official, curious now,
says "Yes...I gotta see this!" They walk to the water, the
guy lets the fish into the water and they wait. 10 minutes
later the official says "Well...where are the fish?" The guy
says "What fish?"
Don't read this before you
fly
Plane engine humour for all you flyers...
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack
a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems,
generally known as squawks, recently submitted by QANTAS Pilots
to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks,
maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action
taken to solve the pilots' squawks.
(P - The problem logged by the pilot.) (S
- The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
Here goes:
P - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P - Test flight OK, except autoland very
rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - No. 2 propeller seepage normal - Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.
P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.
P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on back order.
P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces
a 200-fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P - Evidence of leak on right main landing
gear.
S - Evidence removed.
P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.
P - Friction locks cause throttle levers
to stick.
S - That's what they are there for!
P - IFF inoperative.
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P - Suspected crack in windscreen.
S - Suspect you're right.
P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."
P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P - Mouse in cockpit.
S - Cat installed.
and more Plane facts....
A big four-engine plane was carrying passengers
from the US to France across the Atlantic. The flight was
going well, until the pilot came on the PA and said, "Attention,
passengers. One of our engines has broken down. Don't worry,
we can still go on with three, but there will be a two-hour
delay." About half an hour later, the pilot comes on the PA
again. "Attention, it seems we have lost another engine. Don't
worry, we can go on with two, but there will be a four-hour
delay." A little while later, the pilot makes another announcement
that a third engine has gone, and there will be a six-hour
delay. At this point, one of the passengers muttered, "If
that fourth engine goes out, we'll be up here all flamin day."
and again
Taxiing down the tarmac, the Ansett jetliner
abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A puzzeled passenger
asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot
was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained
the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new
pilot."
Now for some funny signs , real ones at that.
And
now a sneak preview of a top secret new product:
Sound
Path Innovations Inc. totally new, innovative, revolutionery
and at long last improved effects pedals for guitarists:
Time
Distortion: Makes guitar solos seem longer. (Can also be achieved
by wankers.)
Blame
shifter: Shifts the pitch of mistakes down one octave so that
the audience thinks it was the bass player.
Depander:
Filters out popular cover songs.
Overjive:
Makes Hootie songs sound like an Auction.
Active
Pickups: Amplifies "signals" sent to attractive audience members.
Fluff Box: Filters out excessive musical substance.
Phaser:
Phases out un-wanted band members without them knowing.
Low
capacatance device: Makes low audience numbers appear like
a full house.
Noise
eliminator: Sprays Super Glue over the drummers arms.
Noise
gate: Automatically shuts the mics off over the drum kit during
a guitar solo.
Rehash:
Stores and plays back your favorite riffs constantly and forever.
Feedback
Eliminator: Drowns out "constructive criticism."
Band
Pass Filter: Eliminates sexual advances between band members.
Depressor: Changes any chord to E minor.
Paralytic Equalizer: Makes you as good as other guitarists
by injecting them with a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Re-mixer:
Re-arranges perfectly good songs so they sound different but
are exactly the same.
Pitch
shifter: Makes the rhythm player's request for more lead work
sound like he can actually play.
TS-1
(Talent Stretcher): All the above effects in one convenient
pedal-pack.
Price
TS-1 US$12,000 (shipping extra)
13
volt Adapter $456 (inc shipping).
To
order email gonad@noworx.con/not
A
smuggeled photograph of the top secret NEW Stealth bomber
in Lockheed's High Security R&D hanger.
A
married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.
One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they
rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making
passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep,
not waking until 8 o'clock. Dressed quickly, the man told
his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the
lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty
weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the
door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I
cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair.
Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon
making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late." The
wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I
can see those are grass stains on your shoes "YOU DAMN LIAR!
You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
WOMEN ONLY parking lot, Melbourne Australia.
Ever wondered what those automobile names
really mean? After intensive investigations I have found out.
BMW Brang
More Women but Broke My Wallet .
AUDI Accelerates
Under Demonic Influence.
CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long
Extended Trips.
FIAT Failure
in Italian Automotive Technology.
FORD Fast
Only Rolling Downhill / Found On Rubbish Dump / Fix Or Repair
Daily
GM Garbage
Motors.
HONDA Hallmark
Of Non-Destructable Automobiles
HYUNDAI Hope You
Understanding Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive.
SAAB Shape
Appears Ass-Backwards.
SUBARU Screwed
Up Beyond All Repair Usually.
TOYOTA Too
Often Yankees Overprice This Auto.
VOLVO
Very Old Looking Vehicular Object.
PORSCH Proof
Of Rich Spoiled Children Having everything.
Le
differonce .....
A
college English professor was explaining to his students the
concept of gender association in the English language. He
stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names
and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she".
One of the students raised their hand and asked, "What 'gender'
is a computer?" The professor wasn't certain which it was,
so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females
in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should
be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four
reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded
that computer should be referred to in the masculine gender
because:
1.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3.
They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half
the time they ARE the problem.
4.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The
men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely
be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1.
No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory
for later retrieval.
4.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
"I'm fine".
Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for
injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the company's
fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say,
at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened.
I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the." "I didn't
ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine'?" Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie
into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer
interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several
months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe
he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about
his mule Bessie." Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well,
as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule,
into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked
my truck right in the side. "I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning
and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her
groans. "Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came
on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his
gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came
across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot
her. How are you feeling?'" |
